stuff and a few of my meanderings

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

stuff i've done:

-mowed backyard lawn
-washed front of house and garage door
-took down house numbers
-took out living room carpet
-applied for college
-transferred money
-mikey last nite

stuff i need to get done before the week is over (or by next friday):

-tile entryway
-take out stairway and upstairs carpet
-clean & sand wood floors
-polyurethane wood floors
-clean shorty's room
-touch up ceiling paint
-deposit money
-pay for po box renewal
-work work work on work stuff

went out to the Quest for salsa nite on monday nite with jane and her work friends... twas' fun.... learn a few new steps... then to The Drink for a bit...then to Sex World... didnt get anything...

sex with Mikey is nice... i think were finally getting into this comfort level ... getting established that were friends with benefits...no sweat... i dig it... he says he wants to hang as friends too... hmm... i wouldnt mind that either... it could be fun and interesting....

havent heared from matt since thursday.... is he freaking out just as i am? possible...
i shouldnt think about this... dont stress it... i have other things that need to get done... i miss him... i think about him... but i should know better... im fine with it.... really...i am... i understand that he has a life... a life with another.... and i know in my mind that this is all really just a small piece of the big picture....

quote: "i dont want to be his wife... i want to be the love of his life"

Sunday, August 08, 2004

okay... dammit... so heres the lowdown...

it all seems like im doing okay.. getting priorities in check...(*note below posts)... but in truth im actually going nuts... absolutely insane... i cant stop thinking... i cant stop thinking about him... i hate it... i hate that i have human emotions... it blows... it needs to go away...or at least i need to stop bieng an absolute moron and stop havin these feelings... whatever it is..infatuation..smitten...fascination...it needs to be put in a box and locked away...

argh... he was just here thursday nite... i cant even begin to describe what goes on between us... (who knows...it may all be just on my end of the pole... and he could just be a very damn good player)... but there is something there that needs to be toned down... he belongs to someone else... he will always be hers and not mine... i can never fill those shoes... i have nothing to offer...i cannot compare...they have a life together... i completely understand this... im fine with this... but why cant i just let go and stop bieng a giddy little school girl...he calls me his BabyGirl... i just melt... he touches me...and kisses me..and holds me...and i hate that i buy into that... its bull shit...its not real... it needs to stop...i want to stop the affection....stop the touchy feely stuff we do... just go for the original plan... but i dont think i can... i enjoy him... i enjoy the fact that for the few hours he's with me... hes mine... or he feels like mine...and im his girl... like the world stops... then he goes... and i am left basking in the afterglow and consumed with insecurities...

i miss mikey... its been so long.... a month... saw him play at the Star Bar on wedneday... its very amusing to watch him do his thing... its strange to see him in reality... not sure if i could get used to it... i miss him... i want...almost need him to come over...he understands...he can help... break the absurd bubble that brews within... distract me ... hes good at that... hes a friend... amidst it all... i consider him that... he helped me get my mojo back.... and thats big... im thankful for that...i wont forget him because of that....

okay.... enough of this... today is a new day... must go make some pancakes....

oh...and to quote... "this too shall pass"

wow... how time flies....

well... not really...actually... its ticking away very slowly and its driving me nuts...

i should really stop bieng a putz and take advantage of all this slow motion and get things done...

but first...here's a re-cap to catch up:

-had a birthday...im 28 now
-got rid of le sabre and got a new ride... loaded 2002 GMC Envoy (tee hee)
-finished painting my room
-still under 120 lbs. (yay)

now... heres stuff that needs to be done:

-take out carpet in livingroom
-polyurethane wood floors everywhere
-touch up glue for kithen tiles
-tile front entry way
-put new house numbers up
-wash house siding
-repaint kitchen green
-touch up ceiling piant booboos
-clean and redo upstairs bathroom
-clean and redo shorty's room

stuff that will get done someday:

-drain tile for basement can wait until next year
-new windows can wait until next year
-maybe new carpet for basement
-dry wall garage walls
-update downstairs bathroom

....and as always... push work into overdrive to fund my life....

long term stuff:

-go to school and get MBA
-try to invest in some real estate or sumthin'
-keep current semi-retired lifestyle
-get onthe ball on retirement fund
-stay under 120 lbs, work out more, be healthier
-not get "attached" :-(

of course... i didnt forget... take care and love my offspring to the fullest... actually... all of the listed above is also for her well bieng...

shorty may be going to pre-scool this fall if she gets in... im a bit torn about this... major separation anxiety kinda... it could be good for both of us...she gets to be around kids her age and learn about the rest of the world...and i get a break couple hours in my day without her... hmmm... im nervous on exactly what she will learn and pick up from other kids... and im not sure if i like the idea of not having her around two hours a day four times a week... i'll miss her :-(

do i need to learn to let go? or do i let go too much already?

Sunday, July 11, 2004

believe it or not..i do have goals...

today i got quite a bit acomplished...got rid of a bunch of clutter... took a better look at finances... all around clearing of brain... it felt gooooode.

things that need to get done this year: (or at least secure it to get done)

-get oil change, radiator flush, fix sun roof and blinkers for my le sabre
-finish painting my bedroom and rest of the house
-get drain tile for basement so it dosent leak water anymore
-get new windows before winter time
-get myself a new SUV for my b-day (tee hee)
-retain my size of less than 120 lbs.
-save serious money better for me and shorty's future
-get new business cards made and expand business
-enroll by fall to get MBA
-retire or be semi-retired before 40 (crossing fingers and toes)
-go on tropical vacations during winter times

...maybe im dillusional..or maybe believe in myself a bit too much... but hey...cant blame a girl for trying...

im just glad that i somewhat have my head on straight most of the time...

cant really complain too much... life is good... its what you make it...

"It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got"

Saturday, July 10, 2004

jessies divorce party was last night... it was nice to get out... got very very drunk at The Rock... tom, jane, and ross came out too... mikey's band FTFE was playing... it was very surreal...he's definiteley got the musician charm about him... he's generally a very unlikely guy id go out with or go for...but he kinda grows on you...and talent is always a turn on... kinda got a bit horny watching him play on stage... i think it was his wife i saw there with him... cute little girl... they seem very perfect for each other... i guess seemingly things arent always.... after all...he still comes to me... hmmm.... just something about me i guess... i do things their wives wont... how sad... not quite sure how i stand about this... do i feel guilt? yes... remorse? maybe... oddly turned on? a bit... hmmm... yeah...im a sicko... he's a friend... thats all... got that all squared away....

tom broke up with his girlfriend a week ago... and now he's flirting with me... theres always been this friendly flirtatious stuff that goes on between us... he's cute... very nice guy ... not bad for a 22 year old... almost crossed that line last nite when we got back to my place... glad it didnt happen though... he's jessie's cousin for one..and he's far too young...and probably rebounding... ill try to not open that door...

matt left a voice mail for me this morning... id be lying if i said i wasnt glad that he thought about me... but i need to keep these emotions in check... must not let myself go nuts about him... its soooo easy tho... maybe in different circumstances id go for it.... but not right now... right now i need to take things one day at a time... i have other priorities...and ive said it before... my life comes first...my life with shorty comes first... making something out of myself is the only thing that is real... everything else is temporary...

i need to slow down... i need to focus...

Thursday, July 08, 2004

ok... feeling a little better today...

things are good.... not gonna stress ....

must control my urges and my brain...

must preocupy myself with more productive things....

hes not a god... hes just a guy...

ill go try rollerblading today at the park...

im doing so good with losing weight... i think im down to 115....

im very excited....

bought 2 pairs of new shoes yesterday...stilletos...hee hee... and some pink halston sunglasses

must call susie today about babysitting for tomorrow... jessie's divorce celebration... should be interesting... at The Rock... FTFE is playing... its gonna be surreal....

things will be okay....

Saturday, July 03, 2004

aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh..........

shake it off shake it off shake it off...

attachment issues are definitely not a good thing...

he's too much of a freaking dream...

this is why kissing and touching and cuddling...and general romantic type behavior is not a good idea....

get a grip !

get a grip of yourself woman !

he belongs to someone else... he is not mine...

must stop thinking

this is all temporary...

most everything is temporary... must not get attached...

dammit. dammit. dammit.

im sooo gonna get burned on this one...

:-(

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

OMFG... i cant stop grinning....

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

odd how life is.... odd how men are... odd how relations are....

im going to be 28 in a few weeks and as i get older... my cinicism...or at least non-idealistic way of seeing and believing in things gets stronger...

i guess it may still be too early to make such solid judgements on things... there is still a whole lifetime ahead of me...

but for now i really need to concentrate on vital things... get my head straight to not get consummed or far too preoccupied with relations and other such things... only one thing is important... one thing that is real...and that is my own life...my life with my child...my life with myself...

everything else is ...and should always just be a distraction along the way...

lets just hope i have enough strength to keep the distractions at bay....

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

matt came over last nite... wow... i guess im still basking in the glow of an amazing night... i didnt expect this at all... a part of me is in shock ... and a part is in absolute glee... it was simply wonderful...

im exhausted... must get some rest...

Monday, June 21, 2004


last peonie from my back yard

this is the first cool picture i took with my new digital camera. even had me some fun with Photoshop.

*oh yeah... please dont steal this pic...

Sunday, June 20, 2004

its sunday already... and tonight i will get some work done...

didnt go out this weekend like how we've been going out for the past few weekends... it was kinda relaxing... just hung out with jessie and the kids all weekend... friday nite we had a lil bonfire...and saturday we went to the park which was having a carp festival... then dinner at jessie's ... we had some steak...

strange how me and jess have been hanging out more now... but it does make sense... were at the same stage in our lives...having lil kids to preoccupy...and ourselves as single girls... its cool... although i am getting concerned about jane...she's being distant... cranky ... and has been keeping to herself... not sure if its a ross issue, her work life, or something else... any which way...hope it gets better soon...

i bought a spankin' new digital camera and a tablet on friday...yeah...naughty me... but im excited.... i can take better pictures now... and a new hobby to keep me busy....

i always think i should apply myself more... ive always thought i could really be good at things if i just put myself into it... and i really should...

Thursday, June 17, 2004

i admit... sometimes... i wish i could write something profound... poetic... even thought provoking here in my little blog... but somehow i cant seem to do it...either...from lack of creativity...or just because it feels too open... intimate...

have i become so hard and independent that i've lost my vulnerability? that quality that makes people want to hold and take care of me...

do i want to be taken care of? hmm... no... i want to be held mostly... feel protected... to feel like a girl... maybe even loved...


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

*laughing*

took a test and i find the results amusing...

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DBSM&g=2&o=3&h=167

The Stiletto
Deliberate Brutal Sex Master (DBSMf)

Edgy. Physical. Devastating. You are The Stiletto, of all types, the most likely to be a dominatrix and the least likely to apologize.

Sex is your object, and you have a LOT of it. Doubtless, you've figured out how easy it is for a dominant, assertive woman to have as many and whichever partners as she chooses. You're in control, you know what you want, and you get it, right there. It's highly likely you have a nice body, and it's even more likely we're getting all turned on right now writing this.

You're generally careful with your actions and words, but your test answers indicate you've hurt some people, drawn some blood. This means one of two things. Either you're calculating, and pain is just part of your game plan, or hurting the occasional guy is just the unfortunate, but natural, byproduct of your liberated sexual existence.

Our tendency is to believe the latter: you're willing to engage men on a basic sexual level, and clearly they're attracted to you. It's understandable that a few might get overly attached, and sometimes harshness is the only way for you to escape: you've got to cut your way out. After all, it's not emotional bondage you're looking for right now.

Matt called today ... i find his calls pleasant... definitly should hook up with them soon...

worked today for Michael...nothing exciting...

hmm...i guess not much to report here today...